The shit has hit the fan in 18B, and things are no longer hospitable for the remaining 18b-ers. To make a long story short:

Roommate Wanted!
Female or flamingly gay/willing to pretend to be when parents visit, must like or tolerate cats, must not have psychotic dictatorial tendencies

Will share a two-bedroom apartment in One Burgundy Plaza with three female Ateneo seniors and one cat (cat is negotiable)
Rent: Php5.5k per person, including association dues, excluding utilities. We're still trying to negotiate a lower price though. :)

Contact Sai at 0921-7336814 or e-mail us at dear18b@yahoo.com

Thank you very much!

...so there. And we're all too strung out to explain further. Just... WE NEED A ROOMMATE. Give anyone who might be even REMOTELY interested Sai's or Mia's or Angel's number, or 18b's e-mail add. This is the cry of desperate women! Heed it! Heed! HEEEEEEEEEEED!!!1

Hello dear readers! As many of you may already know, some members of 18B have moved on and are no longer taking residence in the apartment. They take with them their unique energies, their points of view, and their furniture.

...and we kind of need the furniture. One particularly pressing need that merits special mention: a fridge. Because otherwise, emergency chocolate supplies will melt, bean sprouts will go bad, and weeks worth of leftovers will putrefy in the pressing, post-summer heat.

SO! If you might know of any cheap sources of secondhand furniture and/or appliances in the Greater Metro Manila Area (prferably within Quezon City and Marikina though...), we would be very grateful if you would share that knowledge with us.

Thank you very much for your time and cooperation!

The Management

P.S. Donations in cash, food, furniture, or attractive young males are welcomed and greatly encouraged.

P.P.S. We mean to use donations of attractive young males for transportation and manual labor. Just that. No malice intended. Really. Promise.

Angel: Dreamt that Hugh Jackman molested me

Sai: You didn't like it?

Angel: I was shy.

***

Sai went to New York for the summer. She brought back a copy of the Village Voice with her. Angel is leafing through the more...risque portion of the newspaper's classified section.

Angel: (reading) "Yumyum. Call me. 52F-30-42"

Sai: Holy shit, 52F! Grabe naman ang joga ng babaeng yan! F!

Kalen: Well, if you were 52A... sucks to be you.

Kalen: We're fascist! Vivo el muerte! Long live death!

Sai: We must believe in free will because we have no choice!

Angel: Let's bomb America!

Kalen: We will detonate America, SURRENDER JUDE LAW!

Sai and Angel: BUT HE'S BRITISH!

(pause)

Kalen: Oh.

--

Special guest starring, Pol

Pol: Ah, what I'd give to live in Katipunan.

Mia: It's overrated, really.

Pol: Hey, if I cut off my dick, can I sleep with you guys? (beat) Uh, I mean--

Mia: Hah, Freudian! Yeah, sure stay over...cut off your dick first! Oh, and you'll have to share a room with Kalen.

Pol: There is a joke somewhere there that I don't get--

Mia: She molests people, and whips Sai.

*later, after relaying above conversation to roommates*

Kalen: *to Sai* Which bunk do you want?

Sai: The bottom bunk.

Kalen: So Pol's on top?

--

Special guest starring, Janelle (this one's for the Ateneans)

*on campus*

Janelle: How are you today?!

Sai: I'M STONED!

*President of their prestigious university, Father Nebres passes by*

Sai: Oops.

Mia: Should we decorate the place for Christmas?

Angel: Why not?

Sai: I don't like Christmas.

Kalen: Christmas is depressing. Yeah, you go out, have fun, but there are so many poor people outside.

Angel: Then let's have some streetkids over.

Kalen: No!

Angel: Why?

Kalen: I hate kids.

(Both Sai and Mica sniffle and sneeze)

Mica: I'm going to go buy some health-causing fruit juice.

Sai: I have some! You wanna just split?

Mica: Okay. (pays Sai)

(Sai takes a pen, starts to scribble)

Kalen: I wanna label it!

Sai: Yeah, label it, 'For the sick people.'

(Kalen writes on carton, 'S&M')

(Draws stick figure with boots and whip)

(Finishes off by scribbling 'For the sick')

Hello, Friends.

18B is currently looking for a new cleaning service (i.e. one that doesn't charge PhP400 a week for sloppy work). If you know of any, or if you have helpers who are looking to earn some extra money in their free time, please contact us.

Thank you.

*One lazy day in 18b...*

Kalen: *runs to Mia* Mia! Taste this! *shoves her a cup of slurpee*

Mia: ... *takes a sip*

Kalen: What does it smell like? How does it taste?

Mia: It tastes like coca cola and raspberry?

Kalen: Doesn't it taste like spit? I thought, 'Who would spit into the slurpee?'

Mia: Ahaha, it's just the syrup, K.

Mia: Oh, guys, guess what. agent_0 lent us porn.

Kalen: Yay! Show me!

Liana: Yay! I wanna copy!

*Kalen takes the CDs, puts them beside her PC.*

Mia: Okay. Kalen, call me when you're gonna watch the porn.

Kalen: Okay.

Mia: Porn's not fun to watch alone.

Liana: That's not true.

Kalen: Hahaha.

Liana: Porn's good for all occasions. You can watch it anytime. With anyone. Except maybe your mom.

Kalen: Hahaha. True, true, true.

*Sai wears a t-shirt with a Chinese symbol on it, she walks past Kalen -- Kalen doubletakes at her t-shirt, bursts out laughing*

Kalen: I was wondering what Chinese characters that was, it looks like the symbol for hemmoroids!

Sai: It's supposed to read 'long life'.

Kalen: *looks* Oh, it is! But it looks like hemmoroids. *looks it up on Yahoo, copy-pastes the characters* See?

*later*

Kalen: You have hemmoroids between your boobs.

*Kalen and Sai are yakking away in the other room*

Angel: We have two crazy roommates.

Mia: Aren't they always?

Sai: *from other room* GWHAHAYENBALBYE!!! *gibberish*

Kalen: Praise the lord!

Angel and Mia: ... *shrug*

*It's one in the morning, everyone is either gone or asleep. Kalen and Sai are trying to study*

Kalen: I am in the world and I cannot escape from it, existence implies constant interaction between the self and the world and the self in the world, so the metaproblematic of transcendence-

*beat*

Kalen: Sorry, I farted.

*Sai cracks up*

Sai: That pretty much encapsulated all of philo 101 right there. I am doubting that I fart, and in doubting, I am manifesting the existential indubitable, thus affirming my existence. I fart therefore I am. I fart because I am in the world, and in the world, there are certain kinds of food that make me fart, and because I am embodied and my body is part of my Being, I cannot deny that my farting is a part of who I am, because my body does the farting. In farting, I am interfacing with the world as a being in Being-

Kalen: And to fart is art. It is an act indeniable of us. An assertion of who and what we are. It does not have any meaning outside of itself; it is what it is: a need to release itself. People ascribe to it negative connotations, but that is wrong, because farting is intrinsic in our beings. Farting is a part of us that cannot be denied. We cannot help but fart when we need to because it is a way through which our bodies release certain elements. God gave us the ability to fart, and in giving us the ability to fart, the farting cannot be denied. We need to fart. To say that it is obnoxious would be to negate an essential part of our person!

*beat*

*both crack up*

Kalen: And that is how we know we've truly mastered the ways of Atenean bullshit!

*Liana brushes her teeth, spits out a mouthful of...red. Freaks out. Thinks a moment. Starts laughing.*

Liana: Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod. Total ditz moment!

Sai: What happened?

Liana: I was brushing my teeth. And when I spat out the whaddyacallit, it was all red.

Kalen: What?

Liana: I thought it was blood. I had this moment where I was thinking, "Ohmigod am I dying?" Then I realized it was because I'd had strawberry soda.

*Sai and Kalen laugh*

Liana: What? I was really scared for a moment!

Kalen: Yes, Liana! You have fatal gingevitis! You're dying! Die! Die!

Liana: I'm retreating into my room where it's safe. *door slams*

*Battleship anime background music plays from Kalen's computer*

Mia: It's like we're going to lift off.

Kalen: Yes, let's pose!

*Sai, Mia and Kalen pose*

Kalen: I'm the captain!

Mia: I'm the ditz-no, the doctor! And Angel can be evil doctor. No, she'll be the co-captain. Mica's the pet.

Mica: Hey! Chu! Chu! You can't kill me because I can cure gears!

Mia: Don't make me hurt you...hey, Sai can be the one who decides how we get there.

Kalen: What is Liana?

Mia: Mission Control. She dissappears for long period of time, but she says important shit when she turns up.

Sai: We need an enemy.

Kalen: I want to be the enemy! *starts posing ala Power Rangers Rita Repulsa--then Sailormoon poses*

Mia: HAH! Sailormoon! xDDD

Mica: Planet Finals!

*shriek of horror from everyone*

Mia: Warp speed! And sir, we're out of chocolate supplies!

Kalen: Everyone to their procrastinating posts! Sai, where can we get chocolates?!

Sai: 10 leagues from... my left ear!

Kalen: Go for it!

Angel: Captain, is that wise?

Mia: Because that's what the co-captain always says. xD

***This morning, around breakfast time.***

Sai: Maybe I need a dildo.

Angel: Maybe you do.

Kalen: We were thinking about getting you a dildo.

Sai: OH! But I have a dildo! I have my cane! You know, the big, long one!

Liana: Ah, but it doesn't vibrate.

Kalen: But you could make it vibrate! You could have Gorby play with the other end.

Sai: !!!

Kalen: Or, you know those longganisa with strings on them? You can insert that, and leave the string out, and call Gorby, and he will play with it!

*Mela and Gorby are trapped in a plastic bag, 18B girls watch* (WAIT DON'T CALL PETA YET)

*Mela scratches the plastic, making a gash big enough to step out of*

*Gorby remains in the bag*

*Kalen wiggles her toes*

*Angel wiggles her fingers*

*Gorby chases any movement outside the plastic bag, attempting to pounce through the plastic, but still remains in the plastic*

Sai: Gorby's special.

***

Mia: Someone's coming over to interview us! Kai, are you decent?

Mica: You mean morally?

Mia: That's not what I mean--

Mica: *miffed* That's up to God to judge, isn't it?

Mia: Fine, we'll ask God. Hey, God? Is Mica decent?

Kalen/God: Semi.

*Mia comes home with McDonalds fastfood*

Mica: Oooh! Soda! Unhealthiness! *grabs Mia's drink, takes a long sip*

Mia: That's ice tea.

Mica: ...You went to McDonalds and ordered ICE TEA?!

Mia: I'm an ice tea freak.

Mica: You're a freak, period.

--

*Sai sits at the computer, Mica skips in through the door with a carton of milk*

Mica: Saiii! I went by myself--! downstairs--! all by myself to 7-11 by myself to get milk because I wanted milk to drink with breakfast that I was eating so I went down to get milk, down to 7-11 where there were people and lots of people but I didn't curl up in fetal postition and cry on the floor because there were people, I didn't, I got the milk I went down there for and past the strange people that I didn't know but were otherwise completely normal and not strange and I didn't, didn't break down but I walked past them and got the milk and brought it to the counter and the lady there who smiles all the time said, "Thank you have a nice day," after I paid her to and I said, "No, thank you," because I'm not that afraid of strange people anymore I went downstairs and bought milk all by myself! I'm a big girl now!

Sai: Ooh, do you bleed, too?

*phone rings, Sai walks over to answer it*

All: Dona Maria's House of Debauchery!!

Sai: Mia, it's for you.

Mia: Whaat?! Who was it? *runs over*

Sai: It's your mom.

*All point and laugh*

Mica: Meh. Mom must be used to this by now.

Mia: *on the phone, laughing* You locked yourself out of the apartment!

Kalen: That's a sin, laughing at your mother! She gave you life and you laugh at her!

Mia: *hangs up* Sorry, but it was funny! I gotta go now, to bring Mom spare keys. *starts packing things*

Mica: Careful. Bad neighborhood.

Angel: Here's mace!

Kalen: No, put plates in your vagina, and don't give them lubrication.

Mia: O_o

Kalen: And paint in two more eyebrows.

Mia: >>:-|?

Kalen: One, rapists will avoid you. Two, you'll entertain your mother--

Sai: She'll entertain everyone she meets!

Kalen: And if they come after you anyway, go straight for the kidneys--

Sai: Rotate your head a hundred and eighty degrees and vomit pea soup! Say you're possessed--

Kalen: -- or strike the heel of your hand against their jaw or nose cartilege--

Angel: No, go for the eyes! With your fingers!

Mica: If you've got a knife-- it's stab, then twist.

Kalen: Actually, the twisting doesn't help. You have to--

Mia: Mica, where's the Discman?

Kalen: You don't want to listen to music! You want to be alert for any noise around you--

Mia: Ookay.

Kalen: -- and bite them! Sink your teeth into their trachea! And don't think that taxi drivers aren't rapists--

Sai: Did we think before that they only do livestock?

Kalen: ... Are you calling Mia livestock?

Mia: Okay, going now...

Kalen: *following* -- and put mace between your toes so that when you kick them in the ass...

Sai: No, really, all she needs to do is-- *raspy voice, jerky body movements* act like she's possessed--

Mica: If she does that in the cab, then the taxi driver will make her get out, and the street's more dangerous.

Sai: Then she can just act possessed in the streets.

*Kalen re-enters with a rosary and a cigarette, strides up and presses the cross against Sai's forehead*

Kalen: You can only have demonic possession if you have evil in your soul!

Sai: *hisses*

Kalen: My name is Costantine. John. Constantine. Bitch. Get me a mirror! At least three feet high!

Sai: Mahh tahhh hyin ahh tin nhin yo...

Kalen: Say that with a Visayan-Italian-American accent.

Sai: O_O ...Oh, come on! There's only so many accents a person can do at one time.

Mica: And then we throw the demon-mirror out the window, and it lands right on top of the taxi that Mia's taking to mom's place!

*Angel, Kalen, Sai, Mica and Mia watch the last four episodes of 'Sex and the City'*

Angel and Sai: *swoon over Smith Jared*

Sai: I want him!

Kalen: He is cute!

Sai: Take me, baby! I want him between my crotch!

Kalen and Mia: All our crotch are belong to you!

Kalen: Haha! We think alike! *high-five's Mia*

--

Mia: Wow, a semester's passed and we haven't killed each other.

Kalen: That's not true, there is still that one time--

Sai: It was an accident!

--

Sai: Did you ever burn your panties?

Mia: Huh?!

Sai: You know, just burned a hole right through them.

Mia: Oh, yes, a bit due to high alkaline and hyperacidity.

Sai: So maybe the panties become radioactive, inhale the fumes we become a superhero, like Pantygirl or something.

Mia: "Look up in the sky...it's a--"

Sai: Pantygirl!

Sai, Kalen, and Angel are watching Van Helsing... Hugh Jackman... *orgasms together*

*Phone rings...*

Sai: No one's home! Shut up!

*Phone still ringing... *

Sai: *gets up and answers phone* Hello! Dona Maria's House of Debauchery! How may i help you?

*Sai puts down phone, walks back into the living area...*

Kalen: Who was it?

Sai: Well, they were looking for Mia and i told them that Mia isn't here, and so they asked for Mica but she ain't here either. I guess it could have been their mom.

Angel: But Mia and Mica are already with their mom.

Sai: It was one of their tita's, i guess.

Angel: ...

Kalen: ...

Sai: ...

*all three burst out in hysterical laughter*